Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

This week we are focusing on the theme, Keeping The Found – which means very well guarding that which you have identified and you really like, and we started off by looking at how tell that you like someone and i believe we have all benefited and as i always say we are only updating our databases on this subjects because i believe that everyone has some knowledge about the topics we discuss. Now today we are going to look at how to start a relationship and not only how to start but starting the relationship on the right foot, being right from the word go. Whenever you meet someone and it becomes apparent that there is a great deal of attraction on both side and the possibility exists that you may be embarking on a serious relationship, it’s important to start things off right, or you run the risk of developing destructive habits that can destroy the relationship over time. The following ten important tips on how to start a relationship off right can help to get a relationship established on a strong foundation that can help allow a relationship to grow into something that is healthy and good for both people involved.

1 – Honesty. This one tops every list of things that are important in a relationship. Whether you’re just starting out or have been together many years, honesty is the cornerstone of all good relationships. Therefore, it’s critically important that you start out any new relationship with total honesty. This includes the things you say and do, as well as the things you chose to omit or hide.

2 – Bluntness. If you are truly serious about starting a new relationship with someone, it’s important that you don’t try to sugarcoat anything in your past or that you feel about things. If you have a weird fetish, a pile of debt, a criminal record, or anything else that your hesitant about sharing, you need to come clean as soon as possible. Don’t be shy about not only who you are, but where you are in life and what you are looking for.

3 – Seriousness. The thing about new relationships is that they are fun and exciting times. It’s easy to forget that you may be embarking on something that could become quite serious. This is why it’s good to keep in mind whenever starting a new relationship that you do need to keep the seriousness of what you are doing in mind, so that you don’t make mistakes that could harm the relationship later on.

4 – Establishing boundaries. In any new relationship, it’s very important that you establish any boundaries that you may have. If there are things you won’t do in the bedroom, or things outside of it that you are afraid of, or rules of behavior that you require of a partner, you need to share these things and make sure that there are just certain boundaries that you will never tolerate being crossed.

5 – Setting a proper tone. It’s important that you set a proper tone for your relationship right from the beginning because it’s a difficult thing to change once you’ve been together for awhile. What this entails is how you speak with one another, respectfully hopefully, how you help each other or the things you do for one another. These are the things that will be with you for the duration of the relationship, so it would behoove you to make sure things don’t get started that you won’t care for later on.

6 – Establishing give and take. In every relationship there is give and take. One person gives here, another takes there. Whether it’s forms of affection, gifts, or doing things for one another that help maintain a bond. It’s important to lay the groundwork right from the get go because like many other things that go on, who gives what and who takes when will become the norm shortly after the relationship starts.

7 – Comparing goals. Another thing you should definitely do as the relationship begins is to compare goals with one another. You need to know where this other person wants to be in the future and likewise them for you. If there are clashes, such as the desire to have children, where you might want to one day live, or minimum monetary thresholds expected, it could lead to a lot of pain and heartache later on. It’s best to know in the beginning so that both parties can decide before things get to serious whether the relationship is worth pursuing.

8 – Testing your chemistry. Many times in first blushes of romance, people tend to overlook certain aspects of their chemistry together. If lust is the overriding gauge of chemistry in the beginning, it might be easy to overlook personal chemistry. Similarly the reverse might be true. At any rate, it’s a good idea to stop and analyze all aspects of chemistry before getting too far into the relationship, because otherwise it might become glaringly obvious later on when it will be far more difficult to deal with.

9 – Watching and learning. As your relationship develops, it’s good to sit back and watch this person that you are considering for a serious relationship. Take off the rose colored glasses for a bit and try to see them as someone might that doesn’t know them, or maybe perhaps as someone that has known them a lot longer than you have. See how you feel about the things you notice.

10 – Watching your rituals. Every relationship develops rituals over time. The longer a couple are together, the more that arise. The only problem is, sometimes these rituals are things that one or the other party don’t really like. Therefore it is critical that you nip them in the bud before they get established, otherwise you’ll be streaming up stream for the rest of your time together.

These ten important tips on how to start a relationship off right are for anyone, male or female who thinks they may be in the very beginning stages of a long romance.

If you are in such a position, I hope these tips help. Good luck.

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Yesterday we started on part 1 of the 2-part series, How To Know You Like Someone, which is along our theme for this week, Keeping The Found – which basically means making sure that that which you have identified does not escape from your hands. Now today we conclude on that topic by looking at the last 3 steps you can take to clearly ascertain you like somebody.

Just a recap on the points we discussed yesterday;

1.Question your initial motives for choosing to know this person.

2. Consider how you usually feel in this person’s company.

3. Give yourself some space.

Now let us get down to today’s business;

4. Ask yourself if your expectations for the relationship are too high. Sometimes you might question whether you want someone in your life because you constantly butt heads with them. But it might not be that you actually dislike this person. It could simply be that you like them well enough, but that there are habits or personality traits of theirs you find it hard to relate to or handle over any extended period of time, indicating that you’re just not all that close or that when you’re together, it needs to be only in “small doses”. For example, it could be because they’re an introvert while you’re an extrovert. Or, maybe their interests don’t coincide that much with yours but they insist on telling you all about theirs while not returning you the same courtesy of listening about yours. If you’re thinking by this point “yes, that’s exactly it!”, this is likely to be a sign that you’d benefit by spending more time with other people – as well as still some (perhaps less) time with this person – rather than a sign you dislike this person and only spend time with them to avoid being alone.

5. Expose yourself to as many other people as you feel you can. Spending time with other people might give you a better idea of the kinds of people you’d prefer to know. Seeing other people in different contexts might help to give you an idea of whether or not the person you’ve been spending a lot of time with fits into this category, or whether you might have outgrown them.

  • If you’re feeling nervous about spending time with other people (especially if your time has greatly revolved around this one person), trying out this step doesn’t have to mean spending time with family or close friends (though these things do help) only. Just saying a cheerful “hi” or seeking to make small talk with a few acquaintances (whether it be a shop assistant, colleague, or someone you regularly pass in the street) can be a start.
  • If you’ve allowed this person to take over a lot of your life and shut you off from other people, you might like to consider volunteering with people who are feeling lonely, such as senior citizens, or down and out youth. This will help to put your own feelings of loneliness into perspective and will bring into contact with many other people, thinking of their needs rather of your own neediness.
  • If you feel bad about spreading your wings, see this as an altruistic act. Your spending time with a wider range of people can help break the loneliness cycle not just for you, but for the other person; a recent study undertaken by the University of Chicago, the University of California-San Diego and Harvard found that loneliness is contagious and can be passed on to others, meaning that you could transmit your loneliness to this person without even meaning to do so. In increasing your exposure to other people, you may be breaking the cycle of loneliness for both of you.

6. Monitor your ongoing thoughts and emotions. Another approach you can use to test the relationship’s value to you is by making plans to do something with this person and following through with the plans. All the while you are carrying out this plan, monitor your automatic thoughts and emotional reactions. If, prior to and during this time, you find your head is full of negative thoughts such as “This is going to be awful,” or “I wish I had something nicer/more interesting/better to do,” or you experience strong negative emotions such as dread, disgust, boredom, etc., then these are likely warning signs that you don’t truly like being with or appreciate this person as someone who connects with you.

I hope the steps have been beneficial to you.

Stay tuned for other topics this week.

It is a brand new week which means we will be discussing a brand new topic. Sorry because we ought to have discussed this yesterday but due to some factors we are now doing it today. Now, through feedback mechanism, one of us suggested we discuss relationships from scratch and that is exactly what we will be looking into this week. Now to start us off on our theme this week, Keeping The Found – which basically means making sure that that which you have identified does not escape from your hands, is the subject that forms the backbone of every relationship that we are going to discuss in a 2-part series; How To Tell You Like Someone or You Are Just Wasting Time. Am sure almost everybody at one time in their lives has liked someone, or is in the process of liking someone. Now how do you really tell that you are not merely wasting your time and cultivate your feelings for nothing, well here is your chance to add to your database of knowledge about the subject. Below are some steps that you should take to determine whether you are drawing water with a sieve or a solid container;

1.Question your initial motives for choosing to know this person.

At the start, maybe you were genuinely interested in this person’s qualities or had something in common with them when you first met. On the other hand, maybe you felt you should be nice to them just because your other friends liked them, or you were on the rebound from a break-up, or something in the other person’s life made you feel sorry for them. Try to go back to the start of your relationship and think of as many different reasons as you can for why you became involved with them. Doing this will help you to decide how you truly feel towards this person.

2. Consider how you usually feel in this person’s company.

Think about what you personally gain from the experience of spending time with this person. Do you get bored, feel anxious, or uncomfortable? On the other hand, perhaps you often feel happy, cheerful, loving, or warm when spending time with them. Take some time to think through as many different memories as you can to build up a pattern – have you experienced enjoyable times or is it hard to even remember the last time you experienced any positive feelings around them – if ever?

3. Give yourself some space.

This step may be difficult for you if you really dislike being alone but it is important to try. Being apart from the person about whom you’re not sure can give you a clearer perspective on whether or not it’s purely loneliness that motivates you to keep communicating with this person, or whether there are genuinely good reasons for staying connected. Try to remain apart for at least two weeks; this amount of time will help you figure out whether or not you really miss the person in question, or whether you’re just bored when they’re not around. While apart, consider whether:

  • You miss specific things about them. If so, it’s probable that you genuinely care for this person.
  • You find it hard to recall anything in particular that you’re missing, or there is only a vague sense of missing their company. You might even feel a sense of relief that you’re not having to “put up” with certain behaviors and attitudes this person has when you’re together. In this case, it’s possible that you’re only keeping this person in your life to fill a gap.
  • You find yourself making comparisons with ex-friends or ex-dates in your life. Some time apart can sometimes reveal a negative pattern of similar issues, personality traits, and habits arising. In this case, you have probably made the same error again, repeating a relationship that is unlikely to fulfil either of you.
  • Give yourself time for self-reflection and self-discovery. If you don’t know yourself very well, you’re vulnerable to seeking affirmation of your worth in relationships with others and are under the spell of expecting others to “raise you from the ground up”. If you feel that this is what you’ve been doing, allow yourself time to figure out who you are and what you care about so that you can grow to like yourself more. In doing so, you’ll replace feelings of loneliness with liking yourself, creating a strong foundation for healthy relationships with other people.

Make sure you join us tomorrow as we finalize on this topic. Meanwhile apply what you have learnt today and refer other people to the read of this article so that we all grow together and be better persons of the society.

Following a request by one of the audience, i decided to scribble down some points that may be beneficial in the maintenance of a long distance relationship. If you have any question, please feel free to fill the form in the contacts page. Now here we go;

The key to handling long distance relationships (LDR) is mutual commitment from you and your partner; otherwise it is doomed from the start. A reluctant partner is someone who is not willing to go the distance for the relationship, literally and figuratively. If your LDR partner has expressed uncertainty that they are in it for the long haul, don’t give up on them yet. There are ways of making someone put in real emotional investment in a relationship to truly make it work. Below are five of the most effective methods as revealed by people who are in, or have been through, long distance relationships.

  • Lay your commitment cards on the table early into the relationship. An LDR may start as such, or become a result of circumstances dictating a couple to spend some time being physically apart. At any rate, being open to each other about expectations and the level of commitment plays a big part in effectively handling long distance relationships. It should be done in the first stages of an LDR so little to no guesswork is involved. Laying your cards on the table requires honesty and openness about where you want the relationship to go, and how both partners can maintain it while being geographically distant from each other. If reluctance is expressed early on, make sure options are thoroughly discussed before dismissing the relationship as something that won’t work out.
  • Agree on a schedule when you can be physically together…and stick to it.
    The highlights of an LDR are those times when a couple can be physically together. Make sure to block agreed-on schedules for such and avoid having last-minute reasons for canceling or postponement (unless in the cases of severe weather conditions and extreme emergency situations, of course). Handling long distance relationships means committing to being physically together even if it involves spending for airfare or other modes of transport to be with your loved one for a fraction of time. Face-to-face communication is important because conversing by electronic means cannot fully convey what people really feel. Having your partner understand this and pledge to do this step can serve as a good gauge of their commitment to your union.
  • Make small things count. Handling long distance relationships requires spending some time together. Showing your partner that you care for them means doing small things to make their life more comfortable, less stressful, and always with something exciting to look forward to. Some examples include surprising them with small gifts that they have expressed interest in, or helping them with a project or work that they are having problems with. They may not be huge things or favors, but they will discover in the long run that having you around in their life is much better than going at it alone. Bear in mind that independence is one of the biggest things to work with in handling long distance relationships, so knowing which gaps to fill to make your partner feel cared for but not intruded upon requires a bit of a balancing act. Do things for each other but not to the point of becoming co-dependent.
  • Maintain constant and quality communication.
    The backbone of an LDR is steady communication. Plenty of LDR fights begin when one partner cannot be reached for a certain amount of time, or when things get lost in translation over electronic correspondence. In this regard, handling long distance relationships require both partners to have reliable means of communication on a regular basis. If your partner keeps making excuses about missing arranged times for talks, explain that it makes you feel neglected and not valued. You can glean from their answer (and if they make an effort on quality correspondence afterwards) if they have really made an emotional investment into your relationship.
  • Learn to see the LDR as a stepping stone to being together for real. Seeing your future together as a couple is a true commitment to any relationship. In the case of an LDR, so many factors can affect a couple’s goal of being with each other after a period of physical separation. A partner who starts making long-term plans on their own without consulting the other should send warning bells ringing that something is up. Again, handling long distance relationships means being open and honest to each other about decisions big or small, and not leaving a partner in the dark. Always keep your eyes on a future with both of you being together in all ways, for real.

For most relationships (long distance or not), it is often true that love offers no guarantee and things may not work out the way you expect them to all the time. Handling long distance relationships means having real emotional investment from both partners before they can truly become a real life couple. Work on committing to this first and foremost.

 

It Feels Like Love – But Is It?

Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who’s right for you — and who thinks you’re right for him or her! So when it happens, you’re usually so psyched that you don’t even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your boring lecturer chooses the one day when you didn’t do your reading to give you a pop quiz.

It’s totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn’t as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that’s the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:

  • Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you’re acting like someone you’re not!) The key is that your guy or chick is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you’re not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person’s boundaries.
  • Trust. You’re talking with a guy from a lecture and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you’d never cheat on him? It’s OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There’s no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don’t trust each other.
  • Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it’s tough to trust someone when one of you isn’t being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you’ll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
  • Support. It’s not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can’t take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
  • Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner’s friends as often as you hang out with yours? It’s not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you’ll know if it isn’t a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
  • Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
  • Good communication. You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase “no, nothing’s wrong” can have, depending on who’s saying it! But what’s important is to ask if you’re not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you’re afraid it’s not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you’re ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

What’s an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It’s not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn’t yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who’s been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it’s an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

  • Get angry when I don’t drop everything for him or her?
  • Criticize the way I look or dress, and say i’ll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
  • Keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
  • Want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
  • Ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
  • Try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren’t the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it’s time to get out, fast. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn’t want to do.

Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it’s hard for someone to love you when you don’t love yourself? It’s a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t there to make you feel good about yourself if you can’t do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don’t take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else’s happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it’s a healthy match for you. Someone who’s not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don’t have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else’s feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don’t worry if you’re just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don’t last very long? It’s no wonder — you’re still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there’s a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you’ve outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from Tourism class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember that it’s good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you’re still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you’re already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you’re in brings out the best in both of you.

 

Handling Heart Breaks.

Posted: February 29, 2012 in Relationships

If you’ve just had a break-up and are feeling down, you’re not alone. Just about everyone experiences a break-up at some point, and many then have to deal with heartbreak — a wave of grief, anger, confusion, low self-esteem, and maybe even jealousy all at once.

Millions of poems and songs have been written about having a broken heart and wars have even been fought because of heartbreak.

What Exactly Is Heartbreak?

Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people might have had a romantic relationship that ended before they were ready. Others might have strong feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Or maybe a person feels sad or angry when a close friend ends or abandons the friendship.

Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same — whether it’s the loss of something real or the loss of something you only hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness.

How Can I Deal With How I Feel?

Most people will tell you you’ll get over it or you’ll meet someone else, but when it’s happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. If you’re experiencing these feelings, there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Here are some tips that might help.

Let It Out

  • Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they’re going through — helps them feel better. That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend or family member. If you feel like someone can’t relate to what you’re going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to. (OK, I know that sharing feelings can be tough for guys, but you don’t necessarily have to tell the football team or your basketball coach what you’re going through. Talk with a friend or family member, a teacher, or counselor. )
  • Don’t be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up can be really tough, and getting some of those raw emotions out can be a big help. We know this is another tough one for guys, but there’s no shame in crying now and then. No one has to see you do it — you don’t have to start blubbering in class or at soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow at night or in the shower when you’re getting ready for the day.

Be Kind to Yourself

  • Remember what’s good about you. This one is really important. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what’s happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they’re experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can’t think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to remind you.
  • Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don’t let the rest of your body get broken too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.
  • Do the things you normally enjoy. Whether it’s seeing a movie or going to a concert, do something fun to take your mind off the negative feelings for a while.
  • Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you’re coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby or even simply try realising your talent. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about what happened — working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process — it just means you should focus on other things too.
  • Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks they won’t feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. But how long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbreak, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Getting over a break-up can take a couple of days to many weeks — and sometimes even months.

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt themselves or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. They’re not really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep — or lasts so long — that a person may need some extra support. For someone who isn’t starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful.

So be patient with yourself, and let the healing begin.

Is He/She The One?

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Relationships

We have looked at what dating is, we have looked at the yardsticks of dating – the questions that you need to ask yourself before settling for somebody and even 5 tips on perfect dating.

Now today we try and look at some of the things that can be employed to determine whether the one person you are dating is ‘THE ONE’ or not.

A common dating question often asked by singles in a relationship is:

How do you know if someone you are in a relationship with is the one, or is there even such a thing as the one?

There are many different takes on this, some people will argue from the perspective that you have to hear God before you can know that someone you are dating is the one. The problem with that statement is that some people are still struggling with knowing whether the voice they have heard is truly God’s voice or just their own thinking.

Then there are others that say that God won’t choose for you, and that God stopped choosing for us ever since Adam accused God that it was the woman that God brought to him that made him sin.

Many people think that “the one” is this perfect person without flaws that is so romantic and will know all their needs and desires and be able to meet them. They have this unrealistic picture of a relationship without challenges where everything is rosy and they think that the person that makes them feel that way is “the one” – nothing can be further from the truth.

Here is my take on this. I believe that faith or belief has a big part to play in determining whether someone is the one. You have to believe in your heart that this person is the right person for me.

I also believe that “the one” is largely about your personal choice. God will lead you to potential partners but ultimately you have to choose. God never forces us to do anything, he doesn’t even force us to serve Him we choose whether we want to serve Him or not.

Since I believe that faith and Choice is what determines whether someone you are relationship with is “the one” it is only right that I share with you some things you should consider when making your choice about whether this person you are dating is truly “the one”

5 clues to knowing whether he or she is “the one”

1. “The one” has to be someone that you can live with their flaws. People are not perfect and you are not perfect yourself so why demand from other people what you yourself can’t deliver. Singles often have this unrealistic picture of “the one” some go as far as having a list of the qualities they are looking for but they make no room on that list for flaws because they are looking for a perfect and finished person. The only problem is that that perfect person doesn’t exist.

Even the best of us have our flaws and “the one” will have their flaws too. “The One” will have annoying habits, “the one” will get you angry sometimes, “the one” will be insensitive to you sometimes, “the one” might not understand you sometimes; “the one” will definitely make some mistakes. Don’t let people’s flaws blind you from their overall goodness. If all you ever focus on is the negatives in people then you will never see the good in them and chances are you will never find “the one”

2. “The One” has to accept you even with your mistakes. The person you make allowances for equally has to make allowances for you. Be careful of labelling someone that doesn’t accept you for you as “the one” be careful if someone you are dating is constantly trying to change you and force you to change. Be careful if they are always critical of you and your ways.

It is good when someone you are dating wants you to change for the better and motivates you to be the best you can be, but if they are going about it in a critical and controlling way and nothing you do ever seems to be good enough and they think that motivating you is them putting you down so that you can take action or they are always comparing you to other people then I doubt that such a person is “the one”

Remember that in point 1 I said that “the one” is someone that you are ready to live with their flaws. Ask yourself if you are willing to put up with someone who is constantly trying to change you, someone who is always putting you down and comparing you to others and be honest about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with such a person.

3. “The One” is the person you are willing to stick by or the person who is willing to stick by you even after your relationship has been tested. It is easy to think that someone you are in a relationship with is “the one” when everything is going good and everything is perfect. But never measure the strength of your relationship based on when things are good, measure the strength of the relationship based on the challenges you are able to overcome. I can go as far as saying that you don’t really have a relationship until that relationship has endured and overcome a test.

4. “The One” is someone that believes in you, someone that believes in your dream and vision, someone that can see gifts and abilities in you that you might not even see in yourself, someone that keeps believing in you, someone that keeps encouraging you even when you stop believing in yourself and someone who will see qualities in you that you dint even know they existed.

5. “The One” Is someone you truly love not someone you are just settling for. People stay in relationships for all sorts of crazy reasons. I will never understand why people end up marrying someone they are not in love with (or even grown in love with, so to speak). I will never understand why people go into marriage or stay in a relationship when they know they have doubts about the person they are in the relationship with. It really baffles me.

Remember that I said earlier that faith has a large part to play when determining if someone is “the one”. You have to believe it in your heart, you can’t afford to be doubtful, because when you are doubtful you will never be content and the grass will always look greener on the other side. There has to be true love, relationships are hard enough when there is true love among two people, it is a complete nightmare when there isn’t true love.

I have seen people settle into a so called Christian relationship and even get married to someone they are not really in love with, maybe because the girl got pregnant and they wanted to do “the right thing” or maybe due to immigration problems, or because the guy or girl is rich and they want someone rich who can provide them with material things. Such people are never truly happy in their relationship and such relationships always end up falling apart eventually.

5 Tips Of Perfect Dating

Posted: February 25, 2012 in Relationships

Yesterday we looked at the what dating is and what yardsticks or what the thresholds are when it comes to looking for a date. Hope it was an exciting learning experience for you though to some i know it came as a reminder and as a way of emphasis.

Now today I want us to look at something very interesting. What are the rules that govern perfect dating? What are some of the tips that one can use to make sure that they get the right person? It is all going to be handled in today’s edition. I am not writing this because i am an expertise, but only to help you by introducing the fourth side of the coin.

The first of the dating rules:

ALLOW GOD TO LEAD YOU TO THE RIGHT PERSON

I am not trying to be over spiritual with this point even if it sounds that way. God can lead you to the right person if you let Him. Sometimes we think we have to figure everything out ourselves and we leave no room for God to do his thing. Psalms 37:23 says “The steps of a righteous man are ordered by God” God can order your steps to the person that will compliment your life. When you order your own steps you might end up with someone that will take advantage of you.

The second of the dating rules:

PRAY THAT GOD WILL BRING YOU OR LEAD YOU TO SOMEONE THAT WILL COMPLIMENT YOUR LIFE.

For some reason many people don’t pray anymore especially when it comes to relationship and dating issues, we kind of just do our own thing and don’t involve God then expect God to put his approval on something he didn’t initiate. We go out, find our own mate, pick the person we want without involving God then we want him to bless it. No wonder most relationships fail, even the Christian ones. The reason most people never find a good or suitable mate is because they never prayed for one, so they keep falling into the hands of the wrong people.

When you pray and ask God for a suitable mate, he will answer you. “Ask and it shall be given unto you” – Matthew 7:7. If you don’t ask God then you won’t get, “You do not have because you do not ask” – James 4:3 and if you do have without asking then you can’t guarantee that who you have is who God wants you to be with, so don’t blame God if it all goes wrong. When you ask, you might not get the answer when you want but God will answer you at the right time, and also when you ask, you might not get the answer you want in the package you expected, they might not look like “your type” but if you go with God, you will never regret.

The third of the dating rules:

DON’T LEAD PEOPLE ON AND PLAY WITH THEIR EMOTIONS

If you know that you are not ready to settle down, if you know that you are not ready to fully commit to someone, then don’t lead them on, don’t get people’s hopes up and lead them on to think that there is a future between you and them when you know in your mind that you are not sure. Don’t start taking them out, calling them all the time, telling them how you feel about them and getting them emotionally attached to you when you know that you are not sure you want to commit and settle down with them. You will end up breaking their heart and hurting them especially if they have started to fall for you. Be sensitive towards the feelings of other people and don’t take people for a ride.

You reap what you sow and if you hurt someone that really likes you because you were playing games with their heart, someone you really like will also break your heart one day. You reap what you sow.

The fourth of the  dating rules:

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY WITH YOUR FEELINGS

It is very easy to get carried away when you start dating someone you really like, you automatically start dreaming about the future and how you will live happily ever after, you start dreaming about becoming husband and wife and having children and a nice family home etc and if care isn’t taken you will allow your feelings to get the better of you and you will throw common sense out of the window.

Don’t get so carried away that you start giving them access to your body and they are placing their hands all over your private parts, making out with you, kissing you, heavy petting etc when you hardly know them, yes there will be attraction and with attraction will come the temptation to do all those things but you have to keep your feelings in check. No one qualifies to do all those things to you until they have said “I DO” period. You will end up cheapening yourself and lose the respect of the very person you are trying to win.

Also don’t get so carried away that you begin to act as if you’re married to them when you are only just dating. You are already carrying them financially, cooking for them, cleaning their house, sleeping over, etc when you are still just dating.

If you give them all the benefits of marriage without the commitment then there is no incentive to get married. Slow your roll, do your due diligence on the person, test their character. You might find that after testing their character that they don’t even qualify for your ears, that they are not even someone you should give audience to let alone your heart, body and soul.

The Fifth of the dating rules:

ESTABLISH WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING EARLY ON

Personally, I don’t believe in dating just to “see how it goes” the reason many Christian singles get hurt in relationships and dating is because one person was just “seeing how it goes” while the other person had committed their heart and soul.

When you allow God to lead you, it shouldn’t be about “seeing how it goes” because God won’t lead you to someone just to “see how it goes” He will lead you to someone who he knows you can have a future with, it should be about developing a friendship because I know that the rest of my life will be committed to you so I need to take the time to get to know you, so that we can learn to function as one, it is a time to know your habits so that I can deal with them and not necessarily try to change you, it is a time for me to discover your like and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses and love you through all those things rather than but put off by them and run away in search of the “perfect” person that doesn’t exist. When you have this understanding you will save yourself from many heartaches and mistakes.

When God is leading you then you will be able to establish where the relationship is going very early on, you will know that you are both working towards a common goal, but many cant establish that because they didn’t even seek God in their decision, so they themselves don’t know whether the relationship is going anywhere, there is no conviction that something fruitful will yield from the dating and that’s why they’re “seeing how it goes”.

Before dating both of you should seek God and let him direct you, then when you do start, your dating will be for a goal and a purpose and not just “seeing how it goes”.

Hope you learned something from these christian dating rules, if you follow them they will make dating a better experience for you and there will be less heartaches. Share these christian dating rules with your single friends, you can tweet the link of this page on twitter or even share it on face book, and just because they are christian dating rules doesnt mean you cant share them with your non-christian friends, they too can benefit from some of these rules.

Dating Yardsticks

Posted: February 24, 2012 in Relationships

Ever asked yourself; What Is Dating? Well here is your chance to know; The word dating comes from the idea of two people setting a date and time to get together to participate in some kind of activity, for example going to watch a film at the cinema or going to a restaurant to have dinner. The purpose of this is so that the people have the opportunity and environment to get to know each other. Even though dating doesn’t really have any scriptural or biblical references, it has become a social norm. Dating gives you the opportunity to assess the behavior, beliefs and character of someone that you might be interesting in having a long term relationship with. The general belief being that the way someone behaves while dating is an indication of how they’ll behave in marriage. But as important as dating is in today’s society; many people are still unsure about what it is and still ask themselves the question; What is dating? What is the purpose of dating? When is a person ready to date? What are the rules and guidelines for dating?

Today we are are going to look at the yardsticks of dating summarized in fundamental questions.

These dating questions have been put together to help you decide and make a better judgement about whether the person you are dating or in a courtship relationship with is right for you.

It is all too common for singles to jump straight into a relationship without carefully considering whether this person they are head over heels “in love with” is actually right for them. We sometimes allow ourselves to be blinded by love and as a result we don’t do a thorough analysis on the people we date, we allow ourselves to get carried away, with our feelings and their good looks that we sometimes miss obvious danger signs.

These dating questions will therefore help you to discern whether this person you are about to date or are already dating or in a relationship with is actually any good for you, they are searching questions that will help you and guide you to make a better decision about choosing a life-partner.

Questions On Their Relationship With God

  1. Does you potential mate have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Is your potential mate a committed Christian (A born again Christian)?
  2. Is your potential mate committed to a local church?
  3. Is your potential mate willing to let the church leadership know about your relationship?

Questions On Attraction

  1. What are you attracted to about your potential mate?
  2. What is your potential mate attracted to about you?
  3. Is the attraction you have for each other purely physical?
  4. How do you look at your potential mate – with respect or lust?
  5. How does your potential mate look at you – with respect or lust?

Questions On Needs

  1. Are you only dating or in a relationship with your potential mate because you feel needed by them?
  2. Is your potential mate emotionally wounded and therefore needs your support?
  3. Are you emotionally dependent on your potential mate – Can you still be happy on your own without them?
  4. Do you feel like you have to have someone in your life in order to feel fulfilled, whole and happy?